Straight Talk
September 2009
My mother, who was always right, said she believed there were only about seven types of people. Race or gender wasn’t even a factor. She said people once long ago belonged to tribes and have spread out all over the world. She maintained everyone we know belongs to one tribe or another. She said her theory was proven by the fact that some people just can’t get along no matter what. I thought at the time, as I always did in those days, that Mama’s theory was completely without any scientific foundation. Now, I’m not so certain. Have you ever noticed how some people just hate each other on sight? Or how something appears to be completely ridiculous to some and absolutely normal to others? I would have called it differences in taste, but Mama said it was obviously difference in tribal customs that have been handed down through the ages Her concept of behavioral science would certainly explain the unexplainable. So far, I haven’t found my tribe, but I am still looking. Anyway, I find people fascinating. And it’s a good thing, because I have needed to have an interest in people to remain the director of the Council. Many years ago when I became director of the Council, I was stunned to learn people called to discuss the most personal of issues. And they wanted to discuss them with me. I fielded medical questions to physicians, spiritual problems to ministers and the political questions to God. “Why did he say/do/vote that way?” My reply, “God knows.” It was soon apparent that people wanted someone not only to talk with but someone who could resolve their problems. Out of all those conversations, the idea of the If You Ask me column was created. After more than 20 years, the calls, letters and emails are still pouring in and I never cease to be amazed by the situations people become embroiled in and for some strange reason cannot see the obvious way to extricate themselves. Mama said people know the right thing to do – they just want someone else to do it. The questions are mainly about relationship problems. Again, as Mama said, when people of opposing tribes try to marry, work together or just be neighbors has always caused trouble, disagreements and even wars.. Don’t think for a minute that all the people who have a question are pleasant, satisfied with my answer or always take my advice. I am criticized, rebuked, chastised as well as praised, complimented and congratulated. There are those calls and letters from people who think my advice is harsh, stern and too direct and unsympathetic. They are right. If you are drowning of how much use are kind words? Wouldn’t practical advice on how to get out of the water be more valuable? I am asked to meet with families to settle disputes and arbitrate hostilities. I don’t. My receptionist is requested to make appointment for consultations with me. She doesn’t. Only about 25% of the calls, letters and emails are used in the If You Ask Me column. All letters are answered and then destroyed and I never use or reveal names. The other 75% of the calls, letters and emails are answered if an address is given. Many are unprintable, some are critical, a few are ridiculous, always one that is shocking and one that is obviously written to test my knowledge or just to see what my answer would be. Here are a few questions that didn’t make it into the column: “What makes you think you know all the answers? I don’t. I make the same mistake many others do. I don’t listen to myself. “What makes you think your answer will solve things for people?” Because so many people have let me know they had solved their problem. My answers are always what they knew all along. “You are a snob about etiquette, cut people no slack, and don’t make people feel better about the messes they get into.” Absolutely correct. “I intend to spend my money on gambling and women and I don’t think it is any of my children’s business or yours.” Very true. Believe me I don’t want to know about your escapades. You are the one who asked what your chances were with a woman half your age. I said, “Trying to be a swinger at 70 years of age only becomes a problem when one tries to reconcile gross habits with net income.” “I am mad because you did not print my question and I didn’t like your answer to me on the telephone. My husband eats like a starving wolf when we are alone. I wanted to describe his sickening table manners and you cut me short and said you didn’t need to know the details and were willing to take my word for it. Then you said I should weigh his wonderful qualities against his bad table manners. What kind of an answer is that?” The only kind of an answer that is logical. Just talk it over with him. You said he didn’t eat that way in public so it could be he doesn’t realize he is slurping and smacking at home. “During our club meetings there is a woman who flirts with me. I haven’t mentioned anything about it to my wife. But, I don’t know what to do.” Oh yes, you do. I have found that questions have changed over the years and reflect how our society is changing and how people are struggling dealing with those changes. Will Rogers had a wonderful sense of humor and I love to read about him and his answers to questions. Here are a few of my favorites: “I don’t know what the key to success is – but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” “The two hardest things in life to handle are failure and success.” And my favorite: “There is no human problem that cannot be solved if people would just do what I tell them.” And remember, you will only get a straight answer - If You Ask Me.
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