"It's a Sin to tell a Lie"
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Straight Talk
October 2009
The most valuable asset a person can have is the ability to know when to tell someone the unvarnished truth – and when to keep their mouth shut. I am convinced the reason some people have many long-lasting friendships and marriages is that they possess this remarkable quality. It most certainly is not avoiding the truth. I call it circumlocution. There are times when people just don’t want to know the truth. What they require is verification of their opinion. Which is, most of the time, completely wrong. What’s more they know it, but they don’t want to hear it from you. My mother, who was always right said, “Friends don’t need to be forced to face the truth, what they need is to be supported. After all, who wants an objective friend?” Such trying situations call for a precise balancing act that will demand that you soften the blow of the complete truth without telling a complete lie because lies are like boomerangs – they have a way of returning to injure you later. Politicians should have that tattooed on their arm. Circumlocution No. 1: “Why no, I am not angry at all.” Those words have never passed my lips. If I am angry with someone – believe me they know it - because I deliver a concise soliloquy on the reason why. I absolutely have to let them know it or I get an intense headache. It pains me to say I rarely forgive or forget. But most of us say that all the time when someone says, “You’re not mad, are you?” Usually we say no because it not the right time or place to tell the truth about it and then later we decide it’s hardly worth the trouble to bring the subject up again. So, we suppress the anger. We deny our anger to get through dinners, parties, holidays, family outings and at work. It may not be the smartest thing to do, but it is the easiest. The very best wisdom I can give you is it is far better – and healthier - to let the person know at the time because anger had a way of boiling until you explode over the smallest thing. Then hopefully you can put the whole thing behind you or not. Either way I always think of what my mother said, “It has to be nipped in the bud.” Too true. Circumlocution No. 2. “Why no, I just got here myself.” People say this even through they have been waiting for 30 minutes. Months, even years after having been kept waiting, someone will be only a minute late and you will explode and break a chair over their head and say, “Yes you are late and I am mad and I never want to hear from you again.” It is much better to ask at the time why they are late and then decide if you can accept that as a good reason or not. Circumlocution No. 3. “Of course, your child is not mean. He is only mischievous” You have already made a ghastly mistake by implying the child is not perfect. How many friends can you name who can handle critical comments about their family? Follow the advice of poor Socrates who has always been misunderstood. He always answered a question with another question. For instance, you could say, “Why do you think Gerald is having problems at school?” or “Why do you think Gerald threw a rock through your neighbor’s window?” Circumlocution No. 4: “You look wonderful/fabulous/great!” I must admit when I am asked for an opinion on a look/hairdo/dress I avoid the bitter truth and say I love the color, style or effect. Why tell someone their hair looks like chopped grass or the surgery has not made them look 18 years old again or that color makes them look jaundiced? Circumlocution No. 5. “I wish I could come/I’d love to have you drop by/but I have a vicious headache/am going out of town/ am tied up with renovations. None of these excuses are believable. As far as I am concerned, it is better to tell only part of the truth that is plausible why you can’t do something at a moment’s notice than to make weak excuses no one will accept. You can make the entire problem disappear if you say, “I am having a horrible week, but I will call you next week.” Anyone will understand from that comment it is not convenient to either go to their house or for you to have them drop by yours. All right, almost anyone. Everyone knows we should not lie; there have been songs and poems about lying, liars and lies since time immemorial. In fact, there was a popular song several decades ago entitled, “It’s A Sin To Tell A Lie”. Someone mentioned the song to me and it inspired me to update the lyrics, as follows: My mother, who was always right, said, “A lie is sinful and even worse, it is vulgar.”
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